Posted: Thu Apr 10, 2008 2:36 pm My health.

I remember being sick as a child but I was not a sickly child. I recall having malaria and once I had a burnt leg. A dog bit me once and I had to be taken to the hospital for shots.

When I became a teen, I started pretending that I fainted. I would "faint" at parade and the other girls would carry me shouldier high to the dorm. Laughing My mother was called to the boarding school. I was looking for attention. I did not know that then. My mother took me to a doctor who gave me a bed. The woman in the same two bed ward was my mother's cousin. When the doctor came to ask if I was beated and abused at home. I said no. I lost my chance to get healed. Rolling Eyes

Then I was just starting my twenties when I got pregnant. I had a healthy pregnancy. I gave birth where they hit my belly Shocked to let the baby out. This was in Kenya in 1990. It was horrifying. I was well for a year or two and then I developed PCP an AIDS defining pneumonia. I was treated but was never told that it was AIDS defining. I went on for a year or so without knowing. The damage I might have done Exclamation I have asked for forgiveness and I have forgiven who ever gave it to me. I had boils on my skin. Hives all over. While seeing the doctor for other things, he mentioned that I needed to test for HIV. In 1993 just before my 25th birthday, I was told I had AIDS. HIV is the beginning, AIDS is nearer the end. I have been with AIDS for almost 15 years that I know of.

Never told anybody but my three year old daughter. I was scared of stigma and discrimination even from family members. I lived like that for three years without any medication. I kept working at a medical school. I applied to come to an AIDS conference in Vancouver 1996 and I made it.

Hoi.

In Canada I lived for another two years without telling anybody about my AIDS. I wanted to die away from home. But just arriving in BC did something for me. The weed Mr. Green, water, the environment, the law and order. It was very healing and still is a very healing place for me. In 1997, I went for a test at the needle exchange and now I started talking to people about my status. It got to the ears of immigration and they were going to deport me for having AIDS, not having a passport and for cleaning houses without a permit. I had to support myself. Much better than working on the streets of Nairobi. Anyway, in 1998, I started medication for AIDS. My life was saved. But I would be seen as a drain to society. I do give back and I am very appreciative.

Come January 1999, I would have my first panic attack and I would be screaming to Jesus and the people around me thought I was swearing. Rolling Eyes I have been told that I have bi polar and have been admitted into the mental hospital six times between 1999 and 2006. The last time I was there I screamed soo hard at the camera that my anguish was gone. I am working hard at not going there anymore. It really disrupts one's life. The institutionalization. I have stable medication now.

My health is better than it has ever been. I have included prayer in my life instead of worry. I have let go the death of my daughter, let go of previous love affairs, let go of abuses and abusers. I am no longer trapped in a sewer because I cannot swim. Trapped with rats and all sorts of things. Swimming or not, I got out of the trap. Beat up but kicking.

The other thing I have done for my health is get rid of boredom. I have a timetable that tells me what to do five days a week, Monday to Saturday morning. I have realized that an idle mind is really the devil's workshop. Keeping busy helps me push the day and doesn't give time for the mind to wander. I smudge like I was taught by the Native people.

The days are rushing and I sleep looking forward to the next day. I have things to do the next day be it skipping rope (thanks Ted), praying, walking, collage, crochet, color (thanks Gayle), listening to music, watching TV, laundry, housekeeping, doing dishes...working at the club. I have something to look forward to.

It wasn't always this way and I have a lot of people to thank. The people that helped me get better. When I told Ryan I was bored a long time ago, he told me I needed a hobby. He was right. Thanks to Gayle and Ted for reviving skipping rope and coloring. Thanks to soo many people. Jah Rastafari. RESPECT!

The sky is not even the limit.

Always with love
...